M v F [2025] EWFC 128 (B)

[2025] EWFC 128 (B)Case No MK24P00289
IN THE FAMILY COURT
Date 12 May 2025
AT MILTON KEYNES
351 Silbury Blvd, Milton Keynes MK9 2DT
Before
DISTRICT JUDGE NUTLEY
Between
MApplicantFRespondent
Charles Richardson (instructed by Charles Russell Speechlys) for Applicant (both acting pro bono)Billal Malik (instructed by Farani Taylor Solicitors) for RespondentHearing Hearing dates: 31 st March, 1 st and 2 nd April 2025
Approved JudgmentThis judgment was handed down remotely at 11.00am on 12 th May 2025 by circulation to the parties or their representatives by e-mail and by release to the National Archives..............................This judgment was delivered in private. The judge has given leave for this version of the judgment to be published on condition that (irrespective of what is contained in the judgment) in any published version of the judgment the anonymity of the children and members of their family must be strictly preserved. All persons, including representatives of the media, must ensure that this condition is strictly complied with. Failure to do so will be a contempt of court.

District Judge Nutley:

[1]This judgment follows a fact-finding hearing which took place between 31 March and 2 April 2025. The focus of the proceedings is X, who is 4 years old. The applicant is X’s father and the respondent is X’s mother. For convenience I will refer to the applicant as ‘the father’ and the respondent as ‘the mother’, or collectively as ‘the parents’, with no disrespect intended.[2]X currently lives with the mother and spends only supervised time with the father in a contact centre. Both parents hold parental responsibility. The fact-finding hearing was found to be necessary and proportionate at a previous hearing, in view of allegations made by each party which may influence the court’s welfare decisions for X.[3]The father is represented by counsel Mr Richardson and the mother by counsel Mr Malik. There was a screen in court to prevent the parties from seeing each other. I have heard evidence from both parties, heard relevant audio recordings and considered the documents within the court bundle. I have also considered helpful written submissions on behalf of each party.[4]I first explain, in chronological order, the allegations made by each party, making any relevant observations on the evidence along the way (paragraphs 5 to 66). I will then briefly summarise the applicable law at paragraph 67, before explaining my conclusions from paragraphs 68 to 78. All quotations are from the parents’ witness statements unless otherwise stated.

The allegations and evidence

[5]The mother is a UK citizen, the father is not. The parties married in [another country] in 2018. In late October or early November 2019, the mother became pregnant with X. At the time, she and the father were living in the paternal family home in [another country] with other members of the paternal family. In 2019 the parents decided to move to the UK. During her evidence, the mother said this was her idea. She wanted to raise X in the UK. She described the father as:
“…reluctant. He gradually agreed, because back in [other country] he was not earning very well…struggling to make ends meet…he agreed to move also to have a better life and opportunities here.”
[6]The mother’s first allegation relates to events in November 2019. She said:
“The applicant was shouting at me and got very agitated. I recall sitting on the bed when the applicant took out a belt and started hitting himself on the back with it. I repeatedly asked him to stop…the applicant proceeded to strangle himself. He put the belt around his neck and was mimicking strangulation…I told the applicant to stop, however he did not like this and went to our balcony room and attempted to jump off. I recall vividly that the applicant had one leg on the balcony ledge and the other on the ground.”
[7]The father says that the mother tried to strangle him and left nail marks on the back of his neck. He says he went to the balcony to get air and the mother incorrectly assumed he was going to jump:
“It was [M] who climbed onto my left side and tried to strangle me with her hands while screaming and shoving me down onto the bed. [She] also slapped and kicked my chest several times whilst I was sitting on the bed trying to speak to her. I went on to the balcony to get some air and distance myself from her. [M] did run towards me as she had wrongly assumed I was going to do something to myself, but it is untrue that I went onto the balcony with the intention of jumping off…In any case…it would not have been wide enough for me to hang my leg over or climb onto the railing. [M] also failed to mention that we were in first floor room with a shed underneath it. Which reduces any alleged threat of me jumping off the balcony to cause harm to myself.”
[8]Neither party submits that the father was in fact suicidal. The mother alleges that the threat of self-harm was used as means of control. The issue is therefore what the father intended the mother to think, rather than whether he intended to hurt himself. For this reason, I refused permission for the father to adduce evidence of his mental health in the context of this hearing.[9]The parents have exhibited a photograph of the balcony. It shows a wooden structure suspended over a concrete roof not far below. It is agreed that beyond the concrete roof is a further drop. In my judgment, it is conceivable that if someone rushed towards the balcony in the way described by the mother, this could lead to the conclusion that they were trying to hurt themselves.[10]In cross examination, the father said that he offered no resistance:
“She kicked me, slapped me, tried to kick me while sitting opposite to each other…trying to strangle me because I was answering back, she tried to push me down on the pillow.”
When suggested he would have told Cafcass about the incident, if it had happened, he said “Like I said, the emotional and psychological abuse was every day.”[11]The father accepted during re-examination that he had a belt in his hands during the incident but never intended to injure himself. He did not explain why he was holding the belt.[12]In January 2020 the mother travelled to the UK alone. In February 2020, the father came to stay, the couple living with the maternal grandparents who have a home in London. It was in February 2020 that the mother alleges the father pushed her against a cupboard and shook the bed that she was sitting on.[13]The father's account is that the mother got upset during an argument and asked him to leave. When he refused, the mother attacked him. In response, the father says that he held the mother by the wrists and moved her away in self-defence. In his response to the mother's schedule of allegations, the father said: “I did shake the bed, but this was only for a short time and it did not hurt her”.[14]In his first witness statement the father said:
“In anger, she shouted at me to leave her grandparent's house. Since it was the middle of the night and the weather was freezing cold, I told [the mother] I would not leave the property. This angered [her] and she started slapping and scratching me and spitting in my face. [She] also aggressively pulled my hair and held me down by the hair. I moved [her] away from me to stop her from attacking me. [She] sat on the side of the bed and I shook it for a short time in fear and distress, but this did not hurt [her]. Afterwards, I was left with scratch marks which were bleeding all over my forearms, neck, and near my collarbone. I took photos of the bleeding scratches, but [the mother] asked me to delete the photos because she said they brought bad energy and should not be on my phone. After she pleaded with me on numerous occasions, I deleted them from my phone.”
[15]It is difficult to understand why the father shook the bed, or why this would be something a person does out of fear and distress. The incident is also mentioned in the father’s schedule of allegations at 3a.[16]In the same month, February 2020, the father had to return to [other country] because his initial visa application (on humanitarian grounds) had been refused. The mother remained in the UK, meaning the parents did not see each other between February 2020 and January 2021.[17]In March 2020 the first COVID-19 lockdown began. On 4th July 2020, X was born. It was not until early 2021 that the mother travelled back to [other country], and this was the first time the father met X.[18]In January 2021, the mother alleges that the father behaved aggressively while driving (allegation 3 in her schedule):
“Approximately 10 days after I arrived in [other country]. The applicant and I were in the car when we had an argument. I was sitting in the front passenger seat whilst X was in the car seat at the back. The applicant started shaking and shoving me with very aggressively [causing] the jewellery and accessories I was wearing [to fall] off. I asked the applicant to stop the car so that I could comfort our son, who was clearly upset. I went to sit at the back with X as I was scared of the [father] and did not want him to touch me. The [father] continued to shove his hands at me from the front and stretch his hand out to grab me by my shirt collar. [He] then started driving erratically to scare me. I was so terrified that I had to hold the baby in my arms to protect him. The applicant was shouting at me to give him X. However, I refused as he was driving so dangerously. The applicant snatched X from my arms. X fell next to the front seat where the applicant was and started crying. The applicant then started to cry and said to me that X will die.”
[19]The father says that in fact he was attacked by the mother and acted in self-defence:
“I deny that I have ever put X in danger at any stage. [We had] an argument whilst I was driving, [the mother] became agitated and hit me. I held on to [the mother’s] wrist to try and stop her from hitting me as she climbed into the back seat of the car whilst I was still driving. I deny that I reached round to her and X after she climbed into the back seat. It would have been impossible for me to stretch around and pull the child from the back seat while driving.”
[20]There was agreement during evidence that X was upset and the mother climbed from the front passenger seat to the back seat during the journey; but disagreement about whether the car was stationary at this stage.[21]In November 2021 the mother and X returned to the UK. In March 2022, the mother and X went to [other country] for an extended stay.[22]On 26th April 2022 there were messages between the parents. The father had sent an image with a picture of the actor Johnny Depp and a caption ‘men can be victims of domestic violence, too, and it's time we recognised it’. The father wrote to the mother:
“I want you to give it a good read”
. The mother responded:
“why are you sending this to me? I completely understand and acknowledge this I never mean to minimise men's sufferings. Abuse is wrong both ways. That's why I said I will never touch you again.”
[23]The father relies on this message as evidence of the mother admitting violent behaviour. The Mother says the messages in isolation paint a misleading picture, and that her reference ‘I will never touch you again’ referred to her having physically touched the father when defending herself. In cross-examination she said:
“I said this generally in response to the article, if I used to act in self-defence, he used to say ‘you have done it to me’.”
[24]The mother alleges that, on 4th May 2022 (allegation 4 on the mother’s schedule), the father pushed her into furniture:
“…we had an argument about someone from his past. He started arguing about everything and anything. This continued the following day as tensions were still high. The applicant was pushing and shoving me against the bathroom cupboard whilst X was coming in and out of the room. The applicant picked X up in his arms when he started attacking me. At that point, I was against the dressing table, the applicant so angry that he was drooling and I was cowering down whilst he was spitting on me and then he pushed me against the wall, resulting in me hitting my head.”
[25]The mother’s statement refers to an occasion (which I assume to be around the same time, although her statement is not explicit) when the father started throwing things around the room and tore his shirt in anger:
“I sent X out of the room…[the father] was not saying anything, just yelling in thin air at the top of his lungs. I got overwhelmed and locked myself in the bathroom. The applicant’s parents, servants, aunt and cousin were at the door. His dad was yelling at the top of his lungs, asking the applicant to open the bedroom door whilst his father and cousin attempted to break down the door. [The father] opened the door whilst I was in the bathroom alone. I was wearing my night suit and was not appropriately dressed to go out in front of the men of the house. [The paternal grandfather] was aggressively knocking on the bathroom door as hard as he could and was trying to forcefully break it. He was verbally abusing me as well and saying I am the root of all the problems in the House. No one said anything to the applicant, but they always blamed me for the applicant’s poor behaviour and aggression.”
[26]The father said that, during the argument, the mother accused him of cheating and was screaming while holding X. He denies attacking the mother:
“It was, in fact, [the mother], not me, who was holding X while she was screaming at me. I repeatedly told her to put X down as I feared he [would be hurt]. [The mother] eventually placed X on the floor in anger and with such force that he fell backwards and hit his head on the floor. [The mother] then went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I only picked up X to hand him to my mother, who came into the room after hearing the door slam. I asked her to take X to another room to soothe him…I started to hear banging noises inside the bathroom…The mother opened the door she was pulling at her hair and banging her own head on the bathroom cupboards. I was very upset about the incident and tried to stop her from hurting herself.”
[27]In July 2022 the mother returned to the UK for a 10-day business trip. In August 2022 the mother sponsored the father's application for a residence permit in the UK. In October 2022, they returned as a family to the UK.[28]From October 2022, the father alleges the mother has used her influence over his immigration status as a means of controlling him. This is said to be part of a wider pattern of psychological and emotional manipulation, using not only his immigration status, but also the fact that she was the only named tenant on their first home, and using X as a weapon. This is the nature of the allegations at paragraph 1 of the father's schedule.[29]In October 2022 there was a disagreement because the mother wanted X to have one of the rooms in the property as his bedroom, whereas the father wanted it to be used as a guest room for both sides of the family. During cross-examination, the father said:
“[the mother] got very aggressive around that time, saying it was going to be X’s room…shouting…it was that display of control.”
[30]The mother paints a different picture, that when the father came to the UK in October 2022 she was the only one working and so had to be the lead tenant to satisfy the landlord’s requirements:
“The [father] was not working when he arrived in the UK. However, he used his personal savings that he got from selling his car in [other country], to pay his share of the household expenses. When the [father] got a job, we would both continue to equally contribute towards the household bills. He would be the one to tell me how much my share would be each month, and on some months he would make me contribute more towards the bills by lying about how much the total monthly bill was. Despite the [father] earning more than me, he would always tell me he had no money… since the start of our relationship, my father paid for most of our wedding expenses and there were debts his family never paid back…as well as the legal costs of the application.”
[31]It was suggested in cross-examination that this gave the mother some power over the father:
“I didn't see it as power, it was just how things were. If he didn't have a job, I did not see it as my fault.”
[32]The father alleges, as part of the pattern of financial control, that on 3rd October 2022 the mother made him deposit his money into her savings account:
“On [the mother’s] instruction we went to the post office and deposited all my savings I had withdrawn. Following this we had an argument about spending this money on accommodation, which culminated in [the mother] shouting. [The mother] then ran away and left me with X…I walked around with X for three hours before locating the Airbnb we were temporarily staying at. It was not uncommon that [the mother] would punish me for not agreeing to spend my money in the way she would like...[the mother] has always taken control of our finances throughout our marriage. My income was used to meet the everyday expenses, so all our joint matrimonial savings were deposited in an account in [the mother’s] sole name which I still have no access to. I've never had access or oversight as to how this money would be spent.”
[33]I suggested during evidence that there ought to be a paper trail in this regard. But neither the father or the mother have sought to exhibit bank statements. The father contradicted his own account during cross-examination. He agreed that when he came to the UK he had cash from selling his car in [other country]. He said that when he got to the UK he went to the Post Office to convert the money into pounds sterling. He was asked whether he would like to pay the money into an account. To avoid carrying a large amount of cash, and because he did not have a bank account at the time, he paid the money into the mother’s account:
“Question: It was not put into her account on her instruction. Reply: She said it was not safe to carry around. Question: Do you say that that was a controlling act? Reply: No. Question: Is there anything about depositing [the money] that you say was financial control? Reply: It was mutually agreed to do that…I don't know actually in that sense I see it as a neutral thing to be honest…the argument was actually about how she would like to spend that money. I told her to be mindful about spending…because I don't have a job. She said ‘I don't want to change my lifestyle’… Question: about a month later, the money was returned, possibly with some agreed deductions? Reply: Yes.”
Question: Do you say that that was a controlling act? Question: Is there anything about depositing [the money] that you say was financial control? Question: about a month later, the money was returned, possibly with some agreed deductions? Reply: Yes.”

Question: about a month later, the money was returned, possibly with some agreed deductions?

[34]The father exhibits messages from 22nd October 2022:
“Mother: Thanks for the heads up, because now I'm going to get you kicked out of this country. Then you can crawl back into the hole you came from. I will never give up my son's space for anyone. I didn't work hard day and night for this bullshit where he can't have his own room and his dad is a coward when it comes to his wife and kids. Father: I am leaving you. Let me know how you want to do it. Mother: And next time before you say that know I am leaving YOU book a ticket and get the fuck out. Father: I have every right to be with my son. Neither can you or anyone get me out of this country! I will stay where my son is!”
[35]During cross-examination it was put to the mother that she sometimes made threats related to the father's immigration status to get her own way. She replied:
“It was because I went through a pregnancy by myself, raised a child on my own…my parents were paying for his lawyers. I contributed too. I put up with his and his family's abuse in [other country]…and out of frustration I used to say that…I did all of this to get you here. I was already a British citizen.”
[36]The mother was effectively saying that the father did not appreciate the sacrifices she had made for the benefit of him and the family. When asked about the messages, she said they were sent out of anger and not meant as a threat. Concerning the argument about the bedroom, she said:
“Because I disagreed. The father said. I am divorcing you. All this over a room threatening to divorce me. After everything I did for him, and also it was the fact that he was [prioritising his family over X] despite the fact that his family had been horrible to me…”
She said the message was sent in the moment and she did not mean it. “It was a response.” Question: What did you hope to gain? Reply: It's just the message out of anger, not thinking about what I was going to gain.”

Question: What did you hope to gain?

[37]The father relies on the messages as proof that the mother tried to restrict his contact and prevent him having a visa. But the messages are sent in the context of an argument about X’s room, shortly after the family had arrived in the UK, the mother having supported the father to get the visa in the first place. The father's interpretation of the messages is difficult to reconcile with these facts.[38]The mother alleges that, in March 2023, the father threw toys, pushed her and put a knife in her hand (allegation 5):
“We had another argument because my mother wanted our wedding album. As his family had the only copy…he threw X’s toy aggressively at the wall, leaving a dent. He then pushed me against the wall in front of X. The applicant has always been insecure and extremely sensitive about his family. He said that he would do anything for his parents and how dare I say anything about his mother. I was defending myself physically when he was attacking me and at one point he had X in his arms and he was shoving me with one arm. I held his shirt to stop him from shoving me, but he pushed me against the sofa as X was still in his arms. My head hit the wall. He pulled me by the collar. He was hurling abuse, saying things like he'll cut me in pieces where no one can find me. He was throwing and breaking everything in sight apart from his own things. X and I were on the sofa, X’s head was buried in my armpits because he was extremely scared. He took the wooden coffee table we had and turned it around. He broke [various items]. He also gave me a knife in my hand and said I could kill him if I wanted to. There was glass and ceramic all over the floor. With no place to walk, my foot was bleeding. However, I did not even notice because of how shocked and traumatised I was...I told him I would call the police, so he put his phone in my hand and told me to call them. When I couldn't speak to them the first time, 999 kept calling his phone and he picked up and told them [his son had dialled by mistake]. I took my son out for a breather and then the applicant threatened to break my face. The police showed up at our home 2 hours later. However, I did not want my son to witness his father being taken away…therefore I told them that everything at home was fine.”
[39]The father says the mother picked up a kitchen knife and threatened him with it. In his response to the mother’s schedule he said he threw a piece of cardboard in frustration, but denied throwing toys or pushing the mother. He unlocked his phone and gave it to her because he was too scared to call the police himself. The mother dialled 999 to taunt him, and then immediately ended the call.[40]Police disclosure confirms that a call was made on 4 March 2023. The log refers to:
“raised voices in a foreign language...sounded like a female...raised her voice and then a man could be heard in the background...further call back, speaking to male. He is saying this was accidental. He put the female on the phone but she does sound very breathy and sad. She confirmed this was accident...but given her tone of voice and the breathiness I believe officers need to see her face to face.”
Officers then attended. The log records “...the female party was AIO and this can be closed.”[41]In his first witness statement, the father said:
“She would dictate how often my family could visit us…when we moved into our flat. I was not employed at the time. So [the mother] was listed as the lead tenant...She used this position of power to justify her making all the decisions…we had an argument about this in January 2024 during which [the mother] kept threatening that she would call the police. She also told me that she had the power to have me kicked out of the country because of my visa status and she would never give me access to X. In anger, [the mother] hit and slapped me and I moved her away from me by her wrists. I did not throw X’s toys at the wall. There was a piece of cardboard I threw in frustration. [The mother] picked up our longest kitchen knife, roughly 6-7 inches long and said ‘I will kill you today’. I was terrified and handed my phone to [her] and she dialled 999 to taunt me, but then immediately hung up the phone.”
[42]The mother accepted that she had asked the father to delete a video of one of their arguments around this time.[43]The mother alleges that in January 2024 (her allegation 6), the father put a knife into her hand and tried to make her press it into the father's stomach:
“The applicant and I had an argument about finances and he expressed his desire to go back to [other country] because he was missing the support of his family. There have been numerous occasions when the applicant has told me that he missed his life in [other country]. I told him that there was nothing for us there. We would not be able to live independently of his family. If we were to return…The following day he seemed upset, so I asked him to tell me what was wrong and he explained he was recovering from what I said the night before. I told him that if he needs money, he can always tell me. He said I should know when he wants money. Once again, the applicant was triggered and he started arguing with me…we were in the kitchen and I said to him ‘you just want me to shut the F up’. He knew what I said, but he took this as an opportunity to take his frustration out on me…He accused me of telling him to ‘shut the fuck up’…he took out a knife, putting it in my hand and forcefully making me press it in his stomach, saying ‘kill me’. Our son was in the other room sleeping…By this point in time, I have come to the conclusion that I could not endure the [father’s] behaviour any longer …”
[44]The incident was recorded by the mother on her phone unbeknown to the father. I have listened to the recording and there is an agreed transcript within the bundle. I have repeated extracts below: F:
“Why did you say the fuck word? Why did you say the fuck word?”
M repeatedly says “I didn't.” F repeatedly says “how dare you say that?” F:
“You are an insolent. Why did you talk to me like this?”
M: “I didn't.” F: “Why did you talk to me like this?” M: “I never said it.” F: “Why did you talk to me like this? Who do you think you are?...you miserable person.” M: “Get out of my face. I can see your insecurity.” F: “This is madness. You have driven me crazy.” F: “You tell me to shut the fuck up to my face. You did this to me. I just wanted to end this. You told me to shut the fuck up to my face.” M: “You are living in your blind rage. I never said that.” F: “Nobody's going anywhere.” M: “What are you gonna do?” F: “Kill me! Fucking kill me!” [sound consistent with a cutlery drawer opening] F: “Kill me! Fucking kill me! Kill me! Take this fucking knife. Fucking stab me!” M: “You're crazy! Crazy person! Fucking psycho! Stop it! Are you normal? God. Grip on yourself, dude. I'm going. I'm not going to be around a suicidal person. And don't you come near me in the rage, you suicidal man.” [F can then be heard screaming] F: “Why did you say the fuck word? Why did you say the fuck word?” M repeatedly says “I didn't.” F repeatedly says “how dare you say that?” F: “You are an insolent. Why did you talk to me like this?” M: “I didn't.” F: “Why did you talk to me like this?” M: “I never said it.” M: “Get out of my face. I can see your insecurity.” F: “This is madness. You have driven me crazy.” M: “You are living in your blind rage. I never said that.” F: “Nobody's going anywhere.” M: “What are you gonna do?” F: “Kill me! Fucking kill me!” [sound consistent with a cutlery drawer opening] F: “Kill me! Fucking kill me! Kill me! Take this fucking knife. Fucking stab me!”

[F can then be heard screaming]

[45]The recording is distressing to hear. Throughout, the father shouts hysterically and overbearingly, to the extent that the mother is barely able to respond. The recording is consistent with the mother's account of it being the father who picked up a knife. The mother's account was also consistent in the sense that she told Cafcass about the incident during the safeguarding process.[46]In cross-examination, the mother was asked whether she was worried that, speaking as she did to the father during this incident, she might provoke an aggressive reaction:
“Yes, I did it anyway because I was angry. He provokes me. I used to get angry as a human being. He was accusing me of mistreating my son.”
She was also asked about one point in the recording she apparently laughed. “…because I was emotionally traumatised [but] I was not finding it funny…it was a reaction…” Question: You were not afraid during this incident. Answer:
“How could I not be afraid?”
Question:
“You were antagonising the father.”
Answer: “I wasn't.” Question: “You pushed the father to a point where he was emotionally broken.” Answer: “Yes, but that does not justify him harming himself. He had also broken me…He was conscious of what he was doing and his son was in the next room…we are all responsible for our actions.” When asked in re-examination what she had meant when she agreed the father was emotionally broken: “Because he was crying, just because of the crying…I had no intention of making him cry, but because he cried I had pushed him to tears. And I apologised…he was already in a bad emotional state, because he did not like his life in the UK and missed home.” Answer: “How could I not be afraid?” Question: “You were antagonising the father.” Answer: “I wasn't.” Question: “You pushed the father to a point where he was emotionally broken.”[47]In his response to the mother's schedule of allegations, the father accepted that he had picked up a knife and pointed it towards himself, but said he did not actually intend to harm himself.[48]In his first witness statement the father said:
“During the argument over finances in January 2024, [the mother] screamed at me that she had control of everything in my life and that I had nothing to go back to in [other country]. She again brought up my immigration and right to rent status…she also threatened to take X away. At this point I broke down into tears because I could not take [the mother’s] abuse any longer. The following day, [the mother] shouted the same abuse at me, which triggered me to pick up a knife and point it towards myself. This was a reference to [the mother] telling me earlier in the year that she wanted me to kill myself. [The mother] laughed at me and started screaming at me even louder. I shouted ‘you are psychotic’ at her because I was so shocked.”
[49]In his second statement the father said:
“[The mother] picked up our longest kitchen knife roughly 6-7 inches long and repeatedly screamed threats at me, shouting ‘I will kill you today.’”
[50]The father describes the incident as one of a number of occasions when the mother was physically abusive (allegation 3b on his schedule). I note that the father’s accounts are inconsistent. He made no mention of the mother picking up a knife and threatening him with it, in either his original application (including the C1A form setting out alleged abusive behaviour), nor his interview with Cafcass as recorded in the safeguarding letter. There is no mention of physical abuse in either of these documents. The father told Cafcass during the safeguarding interview that he was not seeking a fact-finding hearing, despite the emotional, psychological and financial abuse he alleged, because of the delay this would cause.[51]When asked, the father agreed that he did not tell Cafcass about the January 2024 incident, because:
“…the risk was minimised by [me having moved out of the property]…why would I want to prolong something when it is no longer part of my life anymore?” [It was put to the father that he picked up a knife, pointed it at his own stomach, said ‘kill me’, then grabbed the mother's hand and put her hands on the knife.] Reply: “Yes.” [The father agreed that X was sleeping in the next room and that he woke up from his sleep upset, possibly because he could hear the shouting.] “I was not pointing a knife at myself every month.”
Reply: “Yes.”[52]The father maintained that the mother had threatened him with a knife in the past. He seemed to indicate confusion between the March 2023 and January 2024 incidents.[53]The mother says that the wider pattern was in fact one of the father having fits of uncontrolled anger, expressing suicidal tendencies and shouting abuse at her. She exhibits a message sent to the father shortly after the January 2024 incident, which in my judgment is supportive of her account:
“You need to learn to give me space. Just two days ago you know what happened…Do you think I will step on the trauma you gave me and the emotional wounds you gave me and just be normal because it's my b-day? Seeing you will only make me feel worse…You expect me to step on my emotional needs and pretend like just two days ago you didn't try stabbing yourself? This is not normal, and I won't act like this life is OK…”
[54]It is agreed that the parties then slept in separate bedrooms. The father alleges that the mother would unexpectedly wake him at night, scream at him and pull his bed sheets off him. The mother says it was the father who did this to her.[55]On 10th March 2024 there were messages between the parties. The father was about to travel back to [other country]:
“M: X needs to spend time with you before you leave because he won't be seeing you for three weeks and he needs you as well. So please take him this week and I will take him then. This way we can divide our time with him and he'll get to spend some time with you too. If you want to pick him up today, you can. You can go to school as well and get some of his routine on track instead of sitting idle all day. I'll take him next week. Let's keep this civil and to the point. We can't be under the same roof but X shouldn't suffer along the way.”
F: Sure I will come tomorrow after work to pick him. M: OK.” M: OK.”[56]In March 2024, the father went to [other country]. The mother said:
“The [father] told me in March 2024 that he would take X with him to [other country]…Considering the [father’s] concerning behaviour, I was not going to compromise my child's safety and was afraid of what the applicant would do if he did have contact with X.”
[57]During cross-examination, the mother said:
“I did not know where his mind was, my primary concern was about his mental state and [how he may act if I allowed him to see X]. My concern was him taking X out of the country. It would not have been hard for him to make a new passport.”
[58]In April 2024, after returning to the UK, the father moved out of the family home. The mother accepted that she later removed her sponsorship of her father for immigration purposes. She said:
“I removed it when I filed for divorce on 17th May 2024, I don't remember the exact date. I cancelled the sponsorship but it was around that time.”
She confirmed that she knew this may have the effect of him leaving the UK and that she did not tell him “because he was abusive and I was done with him. And when our marriage was on the brink, he abandoned me and my son by going to [other country]. I decided I would divorce him even before he went to [other country].”[59]The mother says she did not remove her sponsorship out of spite, but because she was under a legal obligation to inform the Home Office. She added:
“I cancelled his sponsorship because I was done with his abuse. I did not want him in this country abusing me and benefiting from my visa. I knew he would get a child visa anyway…I was sure he would get the child visa because I wanted to divorce him …his mutual friends were telling me that he expected me to cancel the visa, he had said this to them…it was not to punish him. I just did what was right for me.”
[60]The mother went on to explain that she had not objected to court orders being disclosed to the Home Office to assist him, and said:
“I do not want X to grow up without seeing his father. I do not care if [the father] stays in the UK as long as [the father] is out of my life. That's all I care about…[if the father] genuinely cared about what he has done or had some insight, I would feel more comfortable about contact. But as my son gets older, I do not want him to be subject to wrong influences.”
[61]The father accepted that he had threatened divorce: Question: Can you see how the mother has worked hard, emotionally and physically, to secure the family unit in the UK? Reply: Yes. Question: Can you see why it was very upsetting for her to hear you threaten to divorce? Reply: I'm not denying it was upsetting. Question: Her reaction was driven by upset, rather than attempting to control you. Reply: I disagree. It was an attempt to control me.[62]On 25th April 2024, the mother sent a message to the father:
“Whenever he can see you next week, I'll let you know. But if you send me these bullshit messages again you won't be able to contact me because I blocked any noise related to you…Don't forget your staying in this country and you only got back…here because of the right to residence u have cause of me lol so don't act so high and mighty and stay in your limits. Again, if u send me any bullshit after this, you will be blocked, so if you care to see X so badly next week close that mouth of yours.”
[63]The mother says only part of this conversation has been exhibited by the father and that it is misleading when viewed out of context. The father exhibits another message from the mother, in May 2024. The screenshot is clearly taken part-way through a conversation:
“…to any of your needs be it seeing X if you don't pay me the hell back I don't want your deposit you can have it. The world works with money and money alone, and you're not sitting here supporting me or doing jack shit…Like I said, if seeing X is important for you my money is important for me…”
[64]On 9th August 2024 the father made the application currently before the court, seeking “division of time between applicant and respondent” and referring to:
“…escalating levels of psychological and emotional abuse. She pressured me to spend excessively on our home, questioned every expense and accused me of theft. Her actions have intensified, including using our son to manipulate and control me. As a British citizen, she wields significant power over me, knowing I am dependent on her for my visa status. Recently, she left her home without notifying me and I am unsure of our son’s whereabouts…she has not let me see our son since April 2024.”
[65]The Cafcass safeguarding letter is dated 4 October 2024. The author recommended a fact-finding hearing in view of the risk of harm to X if the allegations are true, and the dispute about whether contact can safely progress beyond a supervised contact centre.[66]On 9th October 2024, Magistrates ordered fortnightly contact between X and his father, supervised in a contact centre. On 25th November 2024, the father was given permission to disclose court orders to the Home Office in support of any immigration application. On 3rd March 2025 the final divorce order was made.

The applicable law

[67]The principles on which I must determine this case were helpfully distilled by Cobb J in Re B-B (Domestic Abuse: Fact Finding) [2022] EWHC 108 (Fam), at paragraph 24:
“i) The burden of proof lies, throughout, with the person making the allegation; ii) In private law cases, the court needs to be vigilant to the possibility that one or other parent may be seeking to gain an advantage in the battle against the other. This does not mean that allegations are false, but it does increase the risk of misinterpretation, exaggeration, or fabrication; iii) It is not for either parent to prove a negative; there is no 'pseudo-burden' on either to establish the probability of explanations for matters which raise suspicion; iv) The standard of proof is the civil standard – the balance of probabilities. The law operates a binary system, so if a fact is shown to be more likely than not to have happened, then it happened, and if it is shown not to cross that threshold, then it is treated as not having happened; this principle must be applied, it is reasonably said, with 'common sense'; v) Sometimes the burden of proof will come to the judge's rescue: the party with the burden of showing that something took place will not have satisfied him that it did. But, generally speaking, a judge ought to be able to make up his/her mind where the truth lies without needing to rely upon the burden of proof ; vi) The court can have regard to the inherent probabilities of events or occurrence; the more serious or improbable the allegation the greater the need for evidential 'cogency'; vii) Findings of fact in these cases must be based on evidence, including inferences that can properly be drawn from the evidence and not on suspicion or speculation; it is for the party seeking to prove the allegation to "adduce proper evidence of what it seeks to prove"; viii) The court must consider and take into account all the evidence available. My role here is to survey the evidence on a wide canvas, considering each piece of evidence in the context of all the other evidence. I must have regard to the relevance of each piece of evidence to other evidence and to exercise an overview of the totality of the evidence in order to come to the conclusion whether the case put forward by the person making the allegation has been made out to the appropriate standard of proof; ix) The evidence of the parties themselves is of the utmost importance. It is essential that the court forms a clear assessment of their credibility and reliability; x) It is, of course, not uncommon for witnesses to tell lies in the course of a fact-finding investigation and a court hearing. The court must be careful to bear in mind that a witness may lie for many reasons, such as shame, misplaced loyalty, panic, fear, and distress. I am conscious that the fact that a witness has lied about some matters does not mean that he or she has lied about everything (see R v Lucas [1981] QB 720); … xi) That my function in resolving disputes of fact in the family court is fundamentally different from the role of the judge and jury in the Crown Court. As the Court of Appeal made clear in Re R [2018] EWCA Civ 198: "The primary purpose of the family process is to determine, as best that may be done, what has gone on in the past, so that that knowledge may inform the ultimate welfare evaluation where the court will choose which option is best for a child with the court's eyes open to such risks as the factual determination may have established" ([62] Re R ). … xii) At all times, I must follow the principles and guidance at PD 12J of the Family Procedure Rules 2010.”

The mother’s evidence

[68]I found the mother to be a credible, intelligent witness. I found her evidence to be consistent between her schedule, witness statements, the discussions she had with the Cafcass officer and her oral evidence. I disagree with the father’s written submissions to the contrary. Any inconsistencies were of limited significance, and the mother accepted fault where appropriate. She gave detailed and consistent evidence while under pressure of cross-examination. Her evidence was supported by the some of the exhibits, most notably the recording of the January 2024 incident.[69]I find the mother to have a somewhat fiery personality, and a tendency to make cutting remarks in anger. For example she admitted referring, during a past argument, to the paternal grandparents’ home as a ‘hellhole’. She referred to the father as ‘a coward’ at one stage of her evidence.[70]I find that, as the person with UK citizenship, the mother invested a great amount of her time, money and faith into the marriage with the father; and in assisting the father to remain in the UK so that they could build a family life together.[71]I find it likely therefore that the mother was sometimes verbally abusive and critical of the father during arguments. I find that the mother has brought X and the father’s immigration status into arguments with the father, but that such remarks – while often cutting – were expressed in anger rather than being designed to control or subordinate the father. The messages exhibited by the father are snapshots, so lacked full context and the mother gave credible explanations for all of them.

The father’s evidence

[72]The father is university-educated and intelligent. He was an articulate witness. Notwithstanding his immigration status, and the fact he was less established in the UK than the mother, I did not detect any significant power imbalance between the parties.[73]I did not find the father a credible witness for the following reasons: i) he tended to characterise arguments as controlling or abusive without any real justification, one example being the argument in October 2022 about the spare bedroom; another the allegation of financial abuse which disintegrated under cross-examination. ii) As I have sought to explain while summarising the evidence, he was not an entirely consistent witness. He did not allege any form of violence by the mother in the early stages of the proceedings, which I would find surprising were it truly the case that he had been threatened by the mother at knife-point: ‘I will kill you today’. iii) His evidence was at times far-fetched. I find it unlikely, for example, that the mother would have deliberately banged her own head, or that he would have shaken the bed out of fear. iv) He tended to minimise his own actions and fail to acknowledge the damaging effects of his behaviour. He had little choice but to admit his behaviour in January 2024, but seemed to have no insight into how frightening it would have been for the mother, nor the emotional harm he could have caused to X, had X witnessed it. As it was, the sound alone was sufficient to wake and distress X.

Findings

[74]I find that when the mother and father disagreed, as all couples do from time to time, he responded in a petulant manner which the mother perceived as ungrateful, considering the sacrifices she had made. The father was sensitive to criticism, which the mother was not afraid to dispense in a sometimes verbally abusive manner. The father was particularly sensitive in relation to criticism or perceived criticism of his parents, which he saw as unacceptable disrespect.[75]I find that the father’s reactions included shouting, hitting himself and seeking to make the mother believe that he wanted to die (whether at her hand or his own); and that she was responsible for his reaction. He pushed and pulled the mother on some occasions. There was an autocratic flavour to his actions (‘how dare you’). He shouted ‘kill me’ in the overdramatic and frightening manner which can be heard on the January 2024 recording. He used a belt and later a knife during the incidents which I have already summarised.[76]The father was not deterred from such behaviour by X being present or nearby. He disregarded the risk of harm to X by witnessing such behaviour, most notably during the driving incident in January 2021 when he grabbed the mother and X; during the incident in May 2022 when X was present; and during the January 2024 incident when X was sleeping in the room next door.[77]The father’s actions were generally designed to frighten the mother into concession, and so in that sense there was a coercive and controlling pattern to the father’s behaviour.[78]I do not find the father’s allegations of abusive behaviour proved beyond the factual findings referred to above.[79]That is my judgment. I will direct the parties to file proposed directions concerning the court’s welfare decision, in the form of a Consent Order if possible, by 16:00 on 19th May 2025. These are likely to include the preparation of a report under Section 7 of the Children Act 1989.